The New Life

November, just weeks after Calleigh was born. I was feeling (and acting) weepy--not a feeling that I, as a typically upbeat and optimistic person was accustomed to experiencing.  Scratch that, I wasn't weeping, I was sobbing. The type of sobbing that doesn't look attractive on any person. (More about the sobbing/weeping in a future post).  Josh was still getting ready for work, and he innocently asked, "Are you okay?  What 's wrong?" "Mbluhblubbab Mubballla" I sobbed, trying to form intelligible sentences..I took a deep breath..."I feel awful admitting this, but I miss 'us'..I miss our old life..I miss feeling normal...." I finally stated.  Silence.  Fear struck my heart..would Josh think I was a "bad mother"? What was he about to announce?  He gathered me into his arms, sat me quietly down and said, "whatever you are experiencing and feeling right now is normal.  You just had a baby..it is okay to cry..your hormones are all over the place (side note: Poor guy)...for short time, this is our new normal..this is our new life..this is the new 'us'".  With that, I began to reflect on ways life has changed (and I wouldn't have it any other way):

* I clap and am excited when a burp happens, even if the burp erupts in my face (Calleigh's burp of course, not Josh's).
* I LOVE LOVE LOVE staying in on Friday nights, curling up on the couch (previously never could sit still long enough to do so), and catching up with my husband.
* I don't fret if I cannot workout seven days a week.  Which, in retrospect, I now recognize is perhaps compulsive? (I am happy that I exercise five days a week now).
* Road Rage-GONE!
* A teeny tiny sing song voice from across the hall is my wake up call.
* The house smells like baby.  I can't think of another way to describe the sweet, soft scent of a baby.

I am grateful for so much, including:
* The chubby and soft hands that graze my face as I hold Calleigh in my arms.
* The way Calleigh's arms and legs flail with excitement when I walk into her room to pick her up from her crib.
* The fact that each day, Calleigh is learning and growing more and more, and each new discovery brings her joy and delight.
* Calleigh's love for life. The sparkle in her eye.  The laugh that starts as "heh heh heh" and escalates into hysterics when I blow raspberries on her belly.
* The look Calleigh gives me when she is playing independently.  She glances at me for reassurance and then quickly returns to her activity.

 The list could go on and on; however, I am not sure if mere words can adequately express the deep gratitude that I have for being healthy and for being given the opportunity to bear a child.  To quote lyrics from the song To Zion:  ...I thank you for choosing me..to come unto life to be..a beautiful reflection of his grace.." I am thankful for being given the opportunity to be Calleigh's mother...Calleigh, you already have brought such joy to our new life.