What I've Learned Thus Far....

Okay, I will admit it.  I have the tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING.  In fact, I am now over thinking the fact that I over analyze every situation.  That personality characteristic fosters discipline and motivation; however, the tendency to over analyze can also be a liability.  What is a blessing can also, at times, be a curse... Especially during the first few months that I became a mother.  Now that Calleigh is almost six months old (young?), I've learned to settle down, hang back a bit, and be more gentle on myself. 

If I could transport myself back to October 1, 2010 (the day Calleigh was born), I would share the following tidbits of advice with the terrified, excited, and overwhelmed new mother (myself, obviously):

• You are going to make mistakes, and IT IS OKAY!

• Your parents know more than you might think (sheepish grin).  Take their advice.

• Don't listen to anyone who says having a newborn is easy.  He/she is either lying or forgetting.  As grateful as you are for being given the chance to have a child, it can be overwhelming, challenging, and difficult.  Shed some tears, guilt-free. 

• Things will get easier.

• You will love your daughter with every fiber of your being.  You will never understand the feeling and connection until you experience it.

• As trite as it might sound, time really does fly.  It will seem to accelerate now that you have a baby.  Enjoy every. single. moment.

Calleigh, minutes after she was born, with Dr. Prince

How Far We've Come

Years ago, when I was constantly feeling sick and searching for a diagnosis, I began jotting down anecdotes with the plan that I would publish the information in a blog.  Years later, I (obviously) now started writing a blog, but about a much different topic than I had planned to address years ago.

April 13, 2009
...I am trying to embrace my painful, swollen midsection at this moment, but on some level, I am beginning to feel betrayed by my body. My feelings oscillate from acceptance to anger; peace to fear...I am trying to understand that the pain, indigestion, bloating, and inability to obtain a diagnosis is temporary. At times, I lose sight of that and begin to feel sorry for myself.  That sorrow, however, is fleeting.  I remind myself to keep my chin up, my shoulders back , chest out, and swollen belly gently nestled in a comfortable pair of lounge pants.
The answer will soon come....

UNDATED ENTRY, JUST PRIOR TO SECOND SURGERY
...Sometimes, when I look at Josh, I feel a deep, deep pang of sadness as I reflect on the possible outcomes..Will the surgery leave me infertile, thereby betraying the idea/dream/vision we had (but never discussed with a time line) of creating children together?  It starts as a glance, a thought filled with love and admiration...I think, "How I love his dark, shiny,  jet black hair...I wonder if our children will have dark hair like th.." and mid-thought, the fantasy is hijacked by the notion that perhaps we will not be able to create life between us....

And then there were three

Oh, how things have changed!

The New Life

November, just weeks after Calleigh was born. I was feeling (and acting) weepy--not a feeling that I, as a typically upbeat and optimistic person was accustomed to experiencing.  Scratch that, I wasn't weeping, I was sobbing. The type of sobbing that doesn't look attractive on any person. (More about the sobbing/weeping in a future post).  Josh was still getting ready for work, and he innocently asked, "Are you okay?  What 's wrong?" "Mbluhblubbab Mubballla" I sobbed, trying to form intelligible sentences..I took a deep breath..."I feel awful admitting this, but I miss 'us'..I miss our old life..I miss feeling normal...." I finally stated.  Silence.  Fear struck my heart..would Josh think I was a "bad mother"? What was he about to announce?  He gathered me into his arms, sat me quietly down and said, "whatever you are experiencing and feeling right now is normal.  You just had a baby..it is okay to cry..your hormones are all over the place (side note: Poor guy)...for short time, this is our new normal..this is our new life..this is the new 'us'".  With that, I began to reflect on ways life has changed (and I wouldn't have it any other way):

* I clap and am excited when a burp happens, even if the burp erupts in my face (Calleigh's burp of course, not Josh's).
* I LOVE LOVE LOVE staying in on Friday nights, curling up on the couch (previously never could sit still long enough to do so), and catching up with my husband.
* I don't fret if I cannot workout seven days a week.  Which, in retrospect, I now recognize is perhaps compulsive? (I am happy that I exercise five days a week now).
* Road Rage-GONE!
* A teeny tiny sing song voice from across the hall is my wake up call.
* The house smells like baby.  I can't think of another way to describe the sweet, soft scent of a baby.

I am grateful for so much, including:
* The chubby and soft hands that graze my face as I hold Calleigh in my arms.
* The way Calleigh's arms and legs flail with excitement when I walk into her room to pick her up from her crib.
* The fact that each day, Calleigh is learning and growing more and more, and each new discovery brings her joy and delight.
* Calleigh's love for life. The sparkle in her eye.  The laugh that starts as "heh heh heh" and escalates into hysterics when I blow raspberries on her belly.
* The look Calleigh gives me when she is playing independently.  She glances at me for reassurance and then quickly returns to her activity.

 The list could go on and on; however, I am not sure if mere words can adequately express the deep gratitude that I have for being healthy and for being given the opportunity to bear a child.  To quote lyrics from the song To Zion:  ...I thank you for choosing me..to come unto life to be..a beautiful reflection of his grace.." I am thankful for being given the opportunity to be Calleigh's mother...Calleigh, you already have brought such joy to our new life.

The best lesson learned from the worst advice given

I received the worst advice from a duck...well, not quite a duck, but a euphemism for a pediatrician who doled out what I believe to be harmful advice.
I am eternally grateful that my parents (especially my father) intervened, and that a friend offered her opinion.
Here's a recap: I was exhausted, emotional, excited, nervous, and experiencing a tremendous amount of pain when Josh, Shantee, and I arrived for Calleigh's first pediatrician visit.  The excitement and anticipation of Calleigh's first appointment outweighed the anxiety.  I am now slightly embarrassed to admit that I even dressed up for the occasion (insert sheepish grin). 
As soon as the doctor entered the treatment room, he asked if we purchased a sleep positioner.  "Yes, we did.." I replied.."..however, an alert was issued that the positioners were recently recalled so we returned it..." Suspicion immediately arose in my mind...didn't the doctor review current medical literature? I internally chided myself for being "neurotic"..."must've been a slight oversight.." I convinced myself...The doctor looked visibly annoyed and replied, "Anyway...can I see your feeding charts?" I felt like  a proud child sharing an art project with a parent..The doctor looked at the chart and stated dismissively, "She's eating too much..." as he quickly tossed the charts on my diaper bag...Too much?! 1.5 ounces every two hours?! What was I doing incorrectly? I have a typical type A personality, so I always am looking to do "the right thing"... The doctor then weighed Calleigh, announcing "she weighs 8.2 pounds"....Josh and I shared a pleased glance...Yay!! Our baby was gaining weight!! The doctor interjected.."she's gaining weight too fast"...Which in my mind translated to : "you have no idea what you are doing"...The pediatrician went on to describe a convoluted plan to "stretch" the time between Calleigh's feedings....if she displayed signs of hunger before the 3-4 hour mark (keep in mind, at this point, Calleigh was six days old) we were instructed to "distract" Calleigh by giving her a pacifier, rocking her, "shushing" her, etc...Being the eternal "good students" that Josh and I are, we vowed to each other that we would stick to the doctor's orders and plans.
The next few weeks, we started to notice that Calleigh was crying and screaming more than she previously had been.  At times, she was inconsolable.  I called the doctor and asked if perhaps the plan was too strict for a baby of Calleigh's age.  "No..." the doctor insisted..."Stick with the plan..SHE HAS TO LEARN" (Side Note:I now know that the only thing a baby will learn at that age if parents ignore her crying is that her needs will not be met...Each baby's needs are variable, and all of the literature cited by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) affirms the notion that newborns should feed "on demand". Further, the AAP notes that infants should not be placed on feeding schedules, and that they should be fed as soon as they show signs of hunger, including, but not limited to: mouthing, rooting, and crying..all signs that the pediatrician advised that we mask until the 3-4 hour mark was reached).
The hours stretched into days, and Calleigh's crying and screaming continued.  What I envisioned and hoped to be a happy and joyful time became stressful and exhausting.  My parents kept suggesting (first gently, and then more loudly) that we feed Calleigh more.  I became defensive and accused them of overfeeding Calleigh.  My father announced that if I were continue to deprive Calleigh of her bottles ("But the doctor says...!" I'd protest), he was going to dissociate from us.  I began to realize that friends would exchange looks and recommend that I feed Calleigh. I saw looks of concern cloud their faces when I would remark that it was not yet four hours between feedings.  Finally, one fateful Saturday night, when Calleigh was a month old, Jennifer and Jason Saltzman visited for dinner.  Calleigh was screaming and crying.  Jennifer, a speech pathologist, stated: "She's hungry..she's rooting.."Josh and I replied that it had only been three hours since Calleigh's last feeding.  Jen quietly persisted.."She is too young to be on a strict schedule like that..I think you should feed her.." For those of you do not know Jen, you should be aware how powerful those words were coming from her mouth, as Jen is not the type to judge or pontificate.  I finally woke up...I was not listening to my parents' advice, I was not following my instincts...I was blindly following the words of the pediatrician. 


After researching the topic (of course, I needed concrete evidence), I learned that imposing such strict feeding regimens on newborns is not only foolish, but dangerous as well.  According to the AAP, following such advice can lead to "...dehydration and failure to thrive..." among other things...


I am grateful to report that once we began to feed Calleigh as soon as she displayed signs of hunger, she returned to her usual happy and easy-going personality.  I finally understood what it meant to feel as if a weight were lifted off of one's shoulders..I could breathe again...and, oh, we changed pediatricians...



The bottom line is: always trust your instincts.

Jen and Jason Saltzman

Calleigh as a newborn, finally eating on demand

And so it begins...

Today is my first post as a Mom Blogger.  To clarify the title of my blog, there is a difference between being bold, and being a loud mouth.  Since I've become a parent, I've noticed that for the most part, other parents are supportive of each other.  But every so often, I've encountered the type of Mom I don't want to be: a know it all, opinionated, judgmental mother.  In other words, a loud mouth Mom. 
I've never experienced anything as rewarding and simultaneously confusing as parenting.  Every topic to be discussed is polarizing...Let the baby cry it out vs. pick him/her up to nurture...use bumpers vs. what are you crazy, there should be nothing in the crib...breastfeeding (barbaric and creepy?) vs. bottle feeding (cold and detached?)..and so it goes

 I look forward to sharing the journey with you